Poem Review?

[T Man]

I think you'd be better at writing a poem about something you've actually experienced. Seriously.

x2

Dont write a poem about the fear you think is experienced in a firefight if you havent been in one.

[R. Chapman]

I think you'd be better at writing a poem about something you've actually experienced. Seriously.

x2

Dont write a poem about the fear you think is experienced in a firefight if you havent been in one.

I came up with this poem from the stuff a cousin told me when he got shipped to the sandbox 3 times. He said he'd kick my ass if I ever joined the military, and that in war, you realize all the horseshit that goes on is all for nothing. It amazes all these kids that want to join the military just because they want to be a "hero". That's fine if that's your dream, but I think reality hits them when they're shipped off to camel jockey kingdom and gets they're legs blown off or some shit.

[R. Chapman]

Another thing, I appreciate the constructive response from you guys. Thanks a bunch!

[3legged_lab]

Rex don't take this the wrong way because I know you're "just a kid" but you are tip toeing on the line of disrespecting a lot of military men and women by implying dumb shit like "not a hero". I don't know that I've ever said this on here before but - shut the fuck up.

[rebelp74]

Rex don't take this the wrong way because I know you're "just a kid" but you are tip toeing on the line of disrespecting a lot of military men and women by implying dumb shit like "not a hero". I don't know that I've ever said this on here before but - shut the fuck up.

Agreed

[R. Chapman]

Rex don't take this the wrong way because I know you're "just a kid" but you are tip toeing on the line of disrespecting a lot of military men and women by implying dumb shit like "not a hero". I don't know that I've ever said this on here before but - shut the fuck up.

Hey I agree with you, I respect all of the service men and women out there but the military isn't a fairytale land like most kids think. Sometimes going to war fucks your life over. Lookin' at my cousin now, he's lucky to get 10-12 hours of sleep and week and is just scared shitless. Same as another guy I know who went through Vietnam. Back 2 years ago, he went 8 days with out sleep and was put in a coma for a while. I thought for sure he was going to die.

[sws002]

Rex don't take this the wrong way because I know you're "just a kid" but you are tip toeing on the line of disrespecting a lot of military men and women by implying dumb shit like "not a hero". I don't know that I've ever said this on here before but - shut the fuck up.

Hey I agree with you, I respect all of the service men and women out there but the military isn't a fairytale land like most kids think. Sometimes going to war fucks your life over. Lookin' at my cousin now, he's lucky to get 10-12 hours of sleep and week and is just scared shitless. Same as another guy I know who went through Vietnam. Back 2 years ago, he went 8 days with out sleep and was put in a coma for a while. I thought for sure he was going to die.

Then let them write poems about it. I understand this was an assignment and I know your heart is in the right spot, but unless you've lived it, you really have no business talking about it.

[jehler]

I wish I knew half as much as this kid thinks he knows

[DC727]

Shut the Fuck up, kid. Those guys died for your freedom so you can say dumb shit. They did it for little pay, and hardly seeing their family. They knew what they was getting into when they signed up.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[T Man]

Rex don't take this the wrong way because I know you're "just a kid" but you are tip toeing on the line of disrespecting a lot of military men and women by implying dumb **** like "not a hero". I don't know that I've ever said this on here before but - shut the **** up.

Hey I agree with you, I respect all of the service men and women out there but the military isn't a fairytale land like most kids think. Sometimes going to war **** your life over. Lookin' at my cousin now, he's lucky to get 10-12 hours of sleep and week and is just scared ****. Same as another guy I know who went through Vietnam. Back 2 years ago, he went 8 days with out sleep and was put in a coma for a while. I thought for sure he was going to die.

Then let them write poems about it. I understand this was an assignment and I know your heart is in the right spot, but unless you've lived it, you really have no business talking about it.

This. Stop while you're only this far behind.

[R. Chapman]

Then what should I write about, huh? Should I write about the POS running the country? I'm more than willing to do that. Or should I write about the freedom from this country? Wait what freedom? Mr. O is taking away a lot of it. Or should I write about all the happy horseshit that doesn't go on in this country? Any of you guys ever hear about Fukushima stuff; you know the nuclear spill from Japan? Well it's been a while since thats happen. All that radiation that was in te ocean around Japan has now spread is starting to invade the Americas. The stupidest thing for man kind to ever do was fuck with nuclear energy and power. You can't kill the ocean with out killing the people. Sciencetis say we came from the ocean. I bet you haven't seen or heard a single word about have you? Because CNN, ABC, FOX; they either don't know bout it themselves or they're too ignorant to realize the dangers of it to report it. Just because I'm "a kid" is bullshit. If you want to learn something about this country, go to this website: americanthinker.com and read some of the articles. CNN and other news channels tend to be full of shit.

[assateague]

What the hell are you rambling on about?

[T Man]

Why dont you realize this is a poem for a high school English class and write about something you know about. Stop over thinking it.

[RonE]

You guys ease up on Rex, he can write about whatever he can imagine. The following was written by a person who never entered the service, never came close to battle and still managed to explain things succinctly. So give Rex a break.

The Charge of the Light Brigade




Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred!

[RonE]

And this about the British Army and Colonial Service by a man that was in neither.


White Man's Burden

Take up the White Man's burden--
Send forth the best ye breed--
Go bind your sons to exile
To serve your captives' need;
To wait in heavy harness,
On fluttered folk and wild--
Your new-caught, sullen peoples,
Half-devil and half-child.

Take up the White Man's burden--
In patience to abide,
To veil the threat of terror
And check the show of pride;
By open speech and simple,
An hundred times made plain
To seek another's profit,
And work another's gain.

Take up the White Man's burden--
The savage wars of peace--
Fill full the mouth of Famine
And bid the sickness cease;
And when your goal is nearest
The end for others sought,
Watch sloth and heathen Folly
Bring all your hopes to nought.

Take up the White Man's burden--
No tawdry rule of kings,
But toil of serf and sweeper--
The tale of common things.
The ports ye shall not enter,
The roads ye shall not tread,
Go make them with your living,
And mark them with your dead.

Take up the White Man's burden--
And reap his old reward:
The blame of those ye better,
The hate of those ye guard--
The cry of hosts ye humour
(Ah, slowly!) toward the light:--
"Why brought he us from bondage,
Our loved Egyptian night?"

Take up the White Man's burden--
Ye dare not stoop to less--
Nor call too loud on Freedom
To cloke your weariness;
By all ye cry or whisper,
By all ye leave or do,
The silent, sullen peoples
Shall weigh your gods and you.

Take up the White Man's burden--
Have done with childish days--
The lightly proferred laurel,
The easy, ungrudged praise.
Comes now, to search your manhood
Through all the thankless years
Cold, edged with dear-bought wisdom,
The judgment of your peers!

xxxxxxxxxx

Take up the White Man's burden--
The savage wars of peace--
Fill full the mouth of Famine
And bid the sickness cease;
And when your goal is nearest
The end for others sought,
Watch Sloth and heathen Folly
Bring all your hope to nought.

[jehler]

Posers^

[Mornin Beef]

Fear


a poacher for every squirrel on my land
Forgot all those camel jockeys
I have my own war right here on this sand
I'm the real mutherfucking hero
Wanna get pranked at 2am
I thought not you freakin zero

[Feelin' Fowl]

Write about the "suspense" in trap shooting or hunting animals with big horns...

[R. Chapman]

Write about the "suspense" in trap shooting or hunting animals with big horns...

But would that catch your suppense as a listener? Writing in my opinion needs to be moving and be able to catch your attention. On another note, there's only 3 animals with horns, Sheep, Billy Goats, and Speed Goats. I've never have went hunting for any of those 3. I hunt antlers not horns damn it!

[Feelin' Fowl]

Write about the "suspense" in trap shooting or hunting animals with big horns...

But would that catch your suppense as a listener? Writing in my opinion needs to be moving and be able to catch your attention.

Word choice, placement, and punctuation can go a long way in helping a piece to engage the reader.

[assateague]

You should write a poem about self-righteousness.

[(MT)Montanafowler]

You guys ease up on Rex, he can write about whatever he can imagine. The following was written by a person who never entered the service, never came close to battle and still managed to explain things succinctly. So give Rex a break.

the star spangled banner was written by a young man who didn't go to war either.

that said, i think rex should write a poem to the hottest chick in the class. he may crash and burn, or he might get a beej behind the football stands

[Feelin' Fowl]

You guys ease up on Rex, he can write about whatever he can imagine. The following was written by a person who never entered the service, never came close to battle and still managed to explain things succinctly. So give Rex a break.

the star spangled banner was written by a young man who didn't go to war either.

that said, i think rex should write a poem to the hottest chick in the class. he may crash and burn, or he might get a beej behind the football stands

Telling a story through poem from the accounts of others (as Key did), and showing your emotions from the accounts of others are two different things...

[(MT)Montanafowler]

Telling a story through poem from the accounts of others (as Key did), and showing your emotions from the accounts of others are two different things...

to be fair, Key was at the battle. if i remember right he was the dinner guest of a British captain, and was being held temporarily so that Key couldn't tell the patriots the british battle plan.

[Redbeard]

Then what should I write about, huh? Should I write about the POS running the country? I'm more than willing to do that. Or should I write about the freedom from this country? Wait what freedom? Mr. O is taking away a lot of it. Or should I write about all the happy horseshit that doesn't go on in this country? Any of you guys ever hear about Fukushima stuff; you know the nuclear spill from Japan? Well it's been a while since thats happen. All that radiation that was in te ocean around Japan has now spread is starting to invade the Americas. The stupidest thing for man kind to ever do was fuck with nuclear energy and power. You can't kill the ocean with out killing the people. Sciencetis say we came from the ocean. I bet you haven't seen or heard a single word about have you? Because CNN, ABC, FOX; they either don't know bout it themselves or they're too ignorant to realize the dangers of it to report it. Just because I'm "a kid" is bullshit. If you want to learn something about this country, go to this website: americanthinker.com and read some of the articles. CNN and other news channels tend to be full of shit.

I'd recommend you'd write about pussy but we all know you haven't experienced that either

[(MT)Montanafowler]

Writing in my opinion needs to be moving and be able to catch your attention.

why do you think they're making you write poetry? that's exactly what they want you to do, dumbass.

[Feelin' Fowl]

Telling a story through poem from the accounts of others (as Key did), and showing your emotions from the accounts of others are two different things...

to be fair, Key was at the battle. if i remember right he was the dinner guest of a British captain, and was being held temporarily so that Key couldn't tell the patriots the british battle plan.

I believe you're right

[banknote]

It doesn't matter if you're writing about putting your fucking socks on just after they came out of the drier; write about something you've EXPERIENCED, following the advice the teacher gave you about using sensory descriptors - color, odor, flavor, etc. - and write about the feeling of that experience the way YOU felt it. Call me a fag, but that's how you write a poem.

[(MT)Montanafowler]

Call me a fag

you asked for it, fag.

[R. Chapman]

Call me a fag

you asked for it, fag.

ROFL! , I don't know why but that was funny.